Back to Bare Bones
Sometimes I spend so much time thinking about getting to my destinations and life mile stones; that I only give a passing glance to who I am in Christ. Why do I do what I do? Maybe I'm afraid of what I will see if I look too deep down the rabbit hole.
Maybe I fear that this there is a hidden loophole in the grace that is pushed far beyond reason. Am I doing for the sake of acceptability or doing because I am bending my soul daily to align with His? I would like to focus less on doing and more on being His. But what does it mean to be His? I want to lay back and rest in Him, but I feel lazy and unproductively good-for-nothing in the resting. I also feel good-for-nothing in the pace of it all--where is the middle ground? I just need more discipline, more shape, more conforming to the hole....but I don't fit the hole, and it drives me crazy that I am not like the rest of the grown-up world.
I feel like a three-year-old that's been asked to carry the 15 pound Thanksgiving turkey across the room--in my eyes it should be so simple, ehh? I just want to be able to handle the basics. I have a harder time dishing love to those in my space. What doesn't it mean to give it to those faced with my reality 24/7? I know I'm supposed to love people in spite of themselves ... but do I get the same leeway? I have baggage the needs dropping.
What's buried deep down kicks back when faced with something that doesn't go to my liking? How can this structure be rebuilt from the ground up? God, if anything I want to return to dirt and bare bones. I want all the impurities stripped away to who you've divinely created me to be, but what does that look like and where do You need to start?